"When life gives you Dilemmas- you make dilemonade!"
-Danny Tanner of Full House
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
After much effort went into trying to pose in a sophisticated, classy, Edie-esque way, I got very tiresome and decided to revert back into my usual shtick of being a complete and total nerd.
Now there's something scary you'd only see on Halloween. Ah, the crazed expression, the malfunctioning vampire teeth; Vampire!Edie was somewhat of a success (even though she was intended to be a lot bloodier and corpsier). Too bad the people at school didn't get wind of this (I'm still sick so I got to stay home another day), they probably wouldn't even think I was wearing a Halloween costume.
Tell me; what are you dressing up as for Halloween this year?
Being in the thoroughly impecunious state I am, one of my favorite activities is obsessively trolling the internet in search of pretty things to buy myself. If I had the cash. I don't know whose influence it is-maybe Blanche from the Golden Girls?-but I've gone into fits of madness over owning a pair of gold heels. I read somewhere that gold shoes are a hooker style staple, which I guess makes sense when you think of Blanche, the Samantha Jones of her time. Soon after declaring my love to the Gold Heel (internally, of course) there was the tragic day a few weeks ago when I happened upon a fabulous pair that would make Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman fall to her knees (har har) and for only 5 dollars! Unfortunately bigfoot over here couldn't force her feet into them (oh and you know I did try) so they were left on the rack next to a pair of used UGG-like boots and white platform flip flops. All by their lonesome, having to fend for themselves. Sigh. Anyway, ever since then much of my internet window shopping attention has been directed to trying to find a pair. I hit the goldmine on CutesyGirl.com where I promptly added nine pairs (nine!) to my Wist list(an absolute must for any internet shopping addict), plus a pair from Patricia Field. It's safe to say that I would pogo a man to death for some gold heels.
Speaking of pogo-ing people to death, I was planning on capping Leprechaun in honor of Halloween. Then I realized it is basically just an opportunity for me to take screencaps, force you to scroll through an entry of me being silly by captioning photos of a furry little creature running around killing people. But since this entry is about gold, maybe Leprechaun and his gold-hungry attitude does indeed have an abundance of style merit.
The Night My Life Was Turned Into An Episode of ER
You can imagine my surprise (and horror) while last night, munching on a Perkins waffle (bacon on the side), I was planning to spend time on a new post in an effort to procrastinate on a paper on The Crucible that I have to do when SHIT! OW! TYRA'S WEAVE ON ROLLER SKATES! IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE JUST STABBED ME IN THE SIDE WITH A BLUNT OBJECT!
I'll spare you the gory details of my ailment and how my mom had to rush me to the ER (which I guess is what I guess for being so obsessed with watching that lately) and how I had to get all hooked up to an IV and everything. Fear not, I'm ok. I'm not dying and thank God I didn't have to have any surgery. But as I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I had the memory of my blog to help me through.
Alright, no, no I didn't. But I did decide I let another night go by, my poor little corner of the internet neglected in favor of a higher purpose.
A million huge 'thank yous' to Missbehave for alerting me to its supreme wonderfulness. This movie was like Marie Antoinette without the vacant feeling of 'ok, this is pretty but where does the story start?'. A huge entry about this to follow when I can get my hands on it again. And Momoko, alongside Phyllis Neffler, Cher Horowitz, Romy and Michele, has become one of my heroes.
! Lace, Ribbons, Pale Pink; it's the Kamikaze Girls affect, trust me. ! Zombies (as always) ! ER (which is my excuse for not paying more attention to blogging as I've been obsessively renting the seasons for a few weeks now) ! Anatomically Correct Bone Socks + Saddle Shoes = Match made in style heaven? Oh I think so. ! Proudly wearing heels to school and gritting my teeth at every glare and snicker that the exquisitely outfitted Addidas flip flop and sweat sock girls shoot at me. I <3 you guys too! ! Trying to decide what I'm going to be for Halloween. Dead Edie Sedgwick (too predictable?) or Female Captain Spaulding? More importantly, trying to decide why I'm worrying about a costume when I have nowhere to go and nothing to do on Halloween. ! Black Boots. I have three pairs of black boots (UO Suede Slouch Boots, Motorcycle-ish Boots, and thrifted Etienne Aigner boots) but somehow I still crave more. So far I've narrowed it down to two choices; vs. Michael Antonio Geiger Mid-Calf Black Boots vs. Legend Reva Knee-High Boots. Ah, my horrible decision making skills should definitely come in handy now. ! Gossip Girl: Oh Gossip Girl, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth of every piece of drama and every Chanel coat....
As a rule, I generally have hated whatever hip teen drama is in season, but Gossip Girl is different, somehow.
Blair Waldorf, you are the sunshine of my life. Seriously, how cute is Leighton Meester? Much better than the firecrotch that is Mischa Barton.
! Degrassi of the Dead. Zombies + Degrassi? How positively cuckoo bananas.
Am I the only one who thinks this Supreme model looks like Otis from HOTC?
Oh who am I kidding? Most of the Supreme girls look like the actual corpses from the movie.
Anywinehouse, moving on to....
ANTM Thoughts of the Week-May Contain Spoilers!
-Makeover day!!! My favorite episode of the entire season. Nothing I love better than watching girls crumble. But alas, there were many happy girls this season. What the hell? I wanted to see some TEARS, Tyra! Ugh.
-I am glad times infinity that they didn't wreck Heather. I was worried all week about her makeover; I pictured Tyra sitting in her bed, wrapped up in sheets of Egyptian cotton, eating a bucket of KFC (extra crispy), and screening House of 1000 Corpses. A stroke of genius hits her like a bolt of lightning and she shoots up out of bed with a smile (and a drumstick in hand), "Eureka! Now I know what fierceness I shall bestow upon Heather!"
So glad that didn't come to pass.
-Ebony after she got the wig taken out and her hair was all super-gluey and askew? I let out the biggest guffaw, it was unbelievable. It was just like this;
-Miss Jay humming Mockingbird Don't Sing? Do I hear an add on to Fashion Madhouse? As Miss Jay preys upon her helpless victims, she eerily hums Mockingbird Don't Sing with a perverse grin as she stabs Twiglet in her jugular with said Christian Louboutin.
-A big 'WTF' at Saleish's bowl cut. I had that haircut when I was five and my mom used to cut my hair with the big metal handled scissors. Sorry mom, I love you but that hair was NOT FIERCE. And neither is this, but at least Saleish rocks it.
-Sarah looks like a snail or some other strange little scrunchy faced creature.
-Top Model + Cha Cha Diva + mention of Lifetime=LOVE!
-Chantal-I'm going to go Elyse from Cycle 1 and simply say; shut up.
-"No more high heels, no more wearing makeup on my face, no more people fixing me hair..." It's just a hard knock life, isn't it Victoria?
-Alright, we're going to take a trip down my memory lane for a sec. In the second grade, one fateful Halloween, after returning from Trick-Or-Treating and waiting for my parents to approve my candy (you know, to make sure no psychos put razorblades in it or anything) I wanted to be all tough and watch just ONE scary movie on TV. So, I mosied on into the living room in my Renaissance Princess costume and turned off the lights, ready to face the scariest movie I would ever see(and indeed it turned out to be). All I remember of this movie was that it involved a guy named Charlie, and these extremely terrifying vampires and I think at one point some guy held up a cross to protect himself but he didn't 'believe' in it so he got keeled(A/N-if anyone knows what I'm talking about I would appreciate a heads up because I've been trying to find this movie for years). One vampire, after he had been turned, popped out and he had this red, stringy, yarn-y hair and big fangs and glowing eyes and I was scarred for life against vampire movies. That, my dear friends, is the floodgate that opened when Heather came out in her Weed makeup today.
ANTM Sneak Peek (Even Though The Episode is 10 Minutes Away)
Tyra gives the girls a sneak peak at their makeovers at a Beverly Hills salon. Most of the models get dramatic makeovers, but one is driven to the breaking point when she has to cut off all her hair. Later, the girls participate in a runway challenge and "pose-off" in a jungle photo shoot.
See that in the bold? This is what I like to hear. The wails and whines of unsuspecting guinea pigs models at the thought of getting their precious hair cut off. This is classic ANTM.
[Enter:Gerard Way ironically wearing a Miss Gaping Vag t-shirt and Frank Iero looking generally adorable and for that Dilemma has nothing bad to say about him ever.]
"I walked off the bus in my makeup and costume
and this dude across the street in front of a crackhouse just goes:
'better stay on that side of the street motherfucker,
I'll knock you out!'"
And then we all laugh and laugh and laugh because come on, that was a fantastic story!
But ain't nobody laughing anymore.
Imagine, for a second, that I am the said crazed (possible) crack addict on one side of the street, and that Nylon Magazine is Gerard Way cowering on the other. I know what you're thinking, "What the hale is this crazy bitch going on about now? Is this yet ANOTHER Cory Kennedy post? When is she going to come up with new material and realize that calling CKL a spitsicle ISN'T FUNNY?"
Damn you Nylon, damn you for bastardizing and hipsterizing Troop Beverly Hills, Tori Spelling, and woe, my dearly beloved Kellie Martin! You don't know about Kellie Martin. I do! You're glib, Nylon, really GLIB OK. Do you even know who Kellie Martin is? You have no right to take this from me! These are MY Lifetime movie actresses, these are MY jodhpurs, THIS IS MY MOVIE HOW DARE YOU SANDWICH IT BETWEEN A SEVEN JEANS ADVERTISEMENT AND AN ADVERT FOR CAMEL NO.9s YOU HEARTLESS HIPSTER MONGERS. NOBODY MESSES WITH DILEMMA KNOWS FASHION. So let this be a lesson to you, Nylon; you better stay on that West side of the US, motherfuckers, or I will knock you out. (And thank you, Toby Isaacs, Gerard Way, hobos in front of crackhouses, and Crazy Tom Cruise for putting my feelings into words better than I ever could.)
Alright. No more grammatically incorrect caps(although I do love me some capslock).
My biggest gripe with Nylon, however, is not the fact that they stole my idea (*cough*). The big problem I have is that they chose such heinous pieces to represent Troop Beverly Hills and Phyllis Neffler style! In case you missed it, Phyllis wore insane poofy 80's dresses, ridiculous shoulder pads, and metallic bathrobes; just some awesome, awesome stuff like that. So why the gloomy navy blue sweater? The frumpy gray skirt? The random canteen? Yes, these things make sense, but come on. This is no representation of the Phyllis Neffler we know and love.
Phyllis was never, ever seen without a few million glittery baubles on her fingers. Her love of jewelry even inspired her to create a 'Jewelry Appraisal' patch. This ring fits the bill, being over sized and a bit gaudy (hey, it was the 80s). Zebra Gem Ring $24 but I know you can find something like it at Target or Goodwill for half the price. Or try rooting around in your grandmother or mother's jewelry box; this method has always worked for me in a pinch.
Cloches, wide brimmed, and little pillbox hats were all staples for Phyllis. Of course, the pillbox is and will always be my favorite style hat.Pillbox Hat $45
Another staple, her white floor length mink coat. I don't endorse wearing little minks, but I do endorse wearing synthetics that just look like them. White Faux-Mink Coat $245
Need I say more? These shoes lead me to believe that there is a God(or at least Imelda Marcos, the shoe god). They're $150 and from Urban Outfitters (who is notorious for selling the most uncomfortable of footwear) so that's two strikes against them. They're fabulous regardless, and they encompass all that is the true Phyllis spirit.
Grab yourself a pair of Ray Bans (or the fakes if you don't have enough dough), some shiny leggings, and some of those delicious Girl Scout cookies (so that, you know, you can look like a stuffed sausage in said leggings) and get camping! Better yet, just veg out in front of the TV with Troop Beverly Hills; it deserves your undivided attention more than I or any cold-hearted hipsters could put into words.
Disclaimer-Just don't take this too seriously folks.
There she is in all her classy, haute couture glory. Stay fierce bb!
Anyway, you know that Scanners song, Lowlife? Where they sing 'this is a low, this is a lonely time' and then CKL and Steve Aoki pop up in a Michael's and start dancing around with lawn gnomes? Oh wait, that last part is from Bombs. Nevermind.
The point is that this is a lonely time. Britney lost custody of her kids (RIP FIERCE BRITNEY WE MISS YOU), Agy Deyn-beloved hipster and model-has gone brunette, someone is remaking Friday the 13th, and worst of all, there is nothing to talk about style related.
I could make another runway clothes post, but you know what? I don't want to. You know what the runway looks like, you know how to type Style.com into your address bar, you know that sheer pants are making a much needed comeback-wait, what?
Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't make this up. And even if I could, I wouldn't be so cruel as to make a joke about sheer pants.
BAM KARL LAGERFELD!
BAM TSUMORI CHISATO!
Plus many, many more but I'm too tired to go through all the collections and see. Like I said before, you have fingers (or I'm assuming you do since you're reading this page and therefore able to operate a computer), you can search Style.com for yourself! Although if I were you, I wouldn't want to see anymore of this horror show. I know I made that whole proactive 'wear what you want-be your own person!' rant a while back but come on; there are certain boundaries that should just not be crossed.