Thursday, August 30, 2007

Attack of the Fungus People

My two beady little eyes have seen a lot of wacky stuff go down, but this week they saw the seventh layer of HELL. The seventh layer is Gerard Way's sock drawer (there's bound to be something evil afoot around there), and the eighth is wherever Cruggs are manufactured. This is a simple hit or miss list, no pretty pictures or long descriptions unless I feel like it. Someone please save me from this fiery pit of certain death that is my new school (A/N-I think some people thought that when I wrote I was being online schooled that this meant that I had been homeschooled all my life which is completely untrue. It was only for the last half of the semester last school year. Ah, the perks of moving all the time!). Sadly, not even watching Blondie sing Umbrella can save me now.

Hit

Fred Flare Roller Skates - I used to have a pair just like this only the wheels were hot-Barbie-pink. Somehow they got thrown out, but now I really wish I had them because if I do say so myself, I am a pretty mean skater(on roller and ice).

Acid Wash denim - This freshmen girl in my American Cultures class wore a pair today that were more on the straight-legged/bootcut side with some Nike Dunks. They didn't make her look like an ice cream cone, and she didn't look like a hipster gone bad. Oooh, I think that's what I'll call my new personal style. Hipster Gone Bad rivals the best personal style name of all time, Ghetto Project Fabulous (check under March 15th-Best Decision).

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The Rage - These shoes. Buy them. They'll run you about $120-$160 but you can't get things that look like this in most places. I adore the Real French pair, especially now since one of the only things with potential to be awesome at my school is French class. You can get them in three heel heights flat, medium, and high (for those who have to walk up and down three flights of stairs every day like me, I would probably recommend flat). These would make a great back to school gift for a girl who has just started a brand new school, has had to leave her all friends behind, and been thrown into a sea of clone-tard losers (this is a oh so subtle hint for my mother who may or may not be reading this).

Chiller-the horror/thriller channel-Since I get DirectTV now, I get Tales from the Crypt streamed to me via satellite every night at promptly 6 o'clock. So much bad acting and hilarious plot lines, so little time. There's also this really random show of "chilling" horror tales called Freddy's Nightmares in which our very own Freddy Krueger hosts. Now that's what I call entertainment!

Miss

Fake Chanel Earrings - There are about 43532653252352 pairs of these at my school. I saw at least ten on my first day. In addition to fugly D&G bags being worn with Crocs and bad Abercrombie and Aeropostale, which in all honestly I didn't know people still shopped at. I'm not even being sarcastic or bitchy, but I thought that place became null and void after 8th grade.

Tans - Come on pale sisters, let's stand together against the permatanned! I'm not even that pale I'm just so SICK of seeing orange bitches all over the place.

This outfit - White tank under Abercrombie polo or other generic looking shirt with a low neckline, plus some jeans and flip-flops. This is what all of the girls in my new school wear, save for the Against All Odds devotees donning Baby Phat and large hoop earrings which is not so bad. Ok, so there are about 3 "scene" girls thrown randomly into the melting pot of girls (which is more like a bowl of cold chick broth). At least I have you guys (or those of you reading that have blogs) to keep me entertained and well aware that yes, people out there are sane and don't feel the need to dress like each other in order to function.

Monday, August 27, 2007

CROC WATCH EXTENDED

CROCS CROSSBRED WITH UGGS. WHY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?

This is the worst day ever(post soon to follow).

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Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Cobra Crew Does Crocs

I bet you thought the title was a practical joke. Or a jab at the lovely spitsicle that is my favorite Miss Kennedy. Alas, take a gander;



Wamp wamp waaaaaah.

We here at DKF headquarters are officially on 24 hour Croc Watch. Beware, fellow reader. BEWARE.

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

Insert Title Here

Hit
Target flats
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After massacring my feet all day in leopard print flats, I put these on to go move boxes and they are deliciously comfortable. They're also 10x prettier in person than in this picture, I mentally compared them to French Sole ballet flats. And in black flats, you can do no wrong!

Hit
Jewelry Shopping
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I used to think expensive jewelry was kind of pointless, though I vowed that my first expensive purchase is going to be a pendant with a small silver diamond encrusted circle (like this). That is, until I walked into Sanrio where there was a whole display full of Tarina Tarantino pieces and the extremely nice sales girl proceeded to take necklaces, bracelets, rings, and even some head bands out one at a time for me to try on at my leisure(and with her assistance-no more struggling with those pesky little clasps when you've got a Sales Associate vying for your business!) as she told me the fine details about each piece (and encouraged me to try on more). I don't know who thought that this would make a good practice, but they definitely have my approval. Jewelry shopping is boss.

Hit
House of 1000 Corpses
A ton of people at IMDB hated this, but I was pleasantly surprised. I really, truly hate "torture porn" flicks like Hostel, and thankfully this was nothing like that. It wasn't as gory as I had expected (but really nothing can be considered gory if you've sat through the opening scene of Mr.Jingles). I found it more entertaining than actually scary...well about as entertaining as satanic rituals and dead cheerleaders can get. And I'm sorry, but Captain Spaulding is what I call good people! (Note: Does not apply to the sequel, The Devil's Rejects)

Miss
Dead Silence
Probably everyone is going to skip over the horror movie parts, but sometimes a girl needs to divulge her thoughts on these things! This movie was a yawn. I have a huge phobia of creepy dolls (namely dummies-blame it on Goosebumps) and the only time I even jumped at this was when the opening credits were going and my cat jumped up on my chair from behind me. It probably didn't help that 5 minutes in when I got bored, I started talking back to the screen in Tyranese. "Girl that ain't fierce! You gotta smile wit cho eyes! Oooh chiiiild...you gone and done it now...that dummy gonna murder you!" Yes, I said that. But can you blame me?

Hit
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Uhm, yeah. This is a typewriter-turned-waffle iron that makes keyboard shaped waffles. I am in awe.

Miss
Paris Hilton's clothing line at Kitson

A shirt with Paris' badly drawn face on it? What next, underwear with Lindsay Lohan's face right over the cooter? Whatev.

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Luv Thyself? Are you serious? What is abbrevated on the internet, STAYS ON THE INTERNET.

The stuff in the line looks cheap, and kind of bland. I could go to F21 to get the same stuff. I tried to keep an open mind, but this "collection" blows. Sorry P, I know you get enough blow as it is.

Hit
Locher's shirts
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Looks like a plain tank top, right? Upon further inspection, we see the true nature of the shirt. The front strap says "good luck", and the thought finishes on the back strap with "motherfucker". Ah, these shirts are my kind of cute. The "good luck, motherfucker" shirt is one of my personal favorites. Written in such dainty script, questionable slogans like, "I love porn", "Will Fuck For Shoes", "I really need a fucking coffee", are written in such dainty script, no teacher or supposedly higher being could possibly find it offensive.

Hmm, I feel like there should be more Misses; people may feel compelled to make "hit list" jokes...

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Just A Thought

How fabulous is the makeup guy Karl on A Model's Life? Too fabulous.
He gives Jay Manuel a run for his money as Power Gay of the modeling show world. On second thought, that's hardly true; Jay will always be the gayest man to ever give Ty Ty's bunch of aspiring models a makeup lesson. Plus, the girls on A Model's Life reek less of sock puppet.

Oh! And Lucia, the girl from Slovakia, is so sweet and her accent makes me 'awww'.

That is all.

PS:Why did they make up Michelle like Ryan Ross? Now there's a real Power Gay for you.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

"Never Fear Being Vulgar, Only Boring." -Diana Vreeland



Clockwise-Betsey Johnson-over the top fashion visionary. World's Most Drama Inducing Pants-pants that stirred up a plethora of e-drama over at my once favorite community Black Cigarette. Are they garish or incredibly stylish? Iekeliene Stange-my favorite Dutch model that always brings out the whiny LJ model fans' worst sides Silver AA Tube Dress-touted as the absolute devil by many fashion bloggers and AA regulars.

Many a time I've gone into my closet to pick out something to wear for the day ahead of me and come up with something that I feel invincible wearing. Then two seconds later it's discarded on the floor.

"Too many colors!"

"People might think I'm weird!"

"Heels make me tower over everyone...maybe next time."

Lately, it feels like I've been dressing more for other people than myself. Everywhere I go, even on the internet, I'm constantly confronted with what I call 'old lady' attitudes about clothes. When did us young people get so stingy? Aren't we supposed to be dreaming up new concepts and trying new shapes? People are scoffing at others for wearing outlandish designs and fabrics, some are putting down my first true fashion love[and others like her], Betsey Johnson for being to 'wild' and 'unstylish'. And you know what? I'm sick of it! Sick of letting boring people dictate what I wear. I'm putting my foot down at people who feel the need to make me feel small because I'm not wearing jeans and a t-shirt all the damn time. Little girls carrying Vera Bradley bags and clutching to their UGGS for dear life will no longer affect my stylistic descisions! As long as it fits well, flatters your shape, and covers your cooter and the girls[same goes for men...just with different terminology of course] what's wrong with wearing neon green tights and glittery black pumps with a white t-shirt dress or something? In fact, I recommend wearing glittery pumps[or flats for that matter]-maybe people wouldn't be so depressed all the time if they had fun with the way they dressed!

It's a well documented fact that I'm no saint; I know have acted like someone's granny in regards to something I found too loud or ugly. Example #1-leggings! Leggings were to be despised with trenchant force. Only recently have I come to accept and gasp-like them! Not the knee-length ones or most of the capri-length kind because those still and forevermore will always be unflattering on most legs. We are programmed now to thing that all leggings=bad, which pure and utter BULLOCKS.

Look at those lovely flares in the top right hand corner of my terribly thrown together collage. What do you think of those babies? Most people had a huge bitch fit over their alleged "hideous"-ness. I think they are indeed to die for. Someone commented saying that we're programed to think that flares=bad and that sounds spot on to me. Since skinnies have taken over by force, we begrudgingly accept wide legged pants but NEVER flares. Saying 'I don't like such and such because I know they wouldn't flatter me and I personally think they look icky!' is different from 'ugh such and such is so gross I can't believe people who claim to have style actually wear it'. Why must we cause [internet] controversy and bruised egos uneccessarily over a pair of pants because shock! horror! they are a little out of the norm than what we're used to?

My next point: the AA silver lame tube dress. I have seen it dogged on many blogs and fashion websites alike so PLEASE do not get on my case and think I'm personally targeting you for not liking it. If it wasn't such terrible quality[the reviews say it's thin, it cracks easily, and that you should wear thongs or no undewear at all underneath and I am NOT about to start shoving my cooter in people's unsuspecting faces now!] I feel it's a misunderstood piece of clothing. Sitting there, all by it's lonesome with a model who looks like she's about to barf up her Sushi[the hiptser choice of food]. Obviously I would not squeeze myself into it and run around in it flapping like a chicken, cooter and boobs flopping around for all the world to see! I would wear it [assuming I had the perfect body] under a large white t-shirt, with some clear lucite bangers, possibly some silver chains, and navy round toe pumps[for some reason I think navy would really go]. When I was watching Betsey Johnson's Intimate Portrait on Lifetime, hearing her say things like she wasn't willing to compromise her aesthetic to please others, and that she knew the type of woman she wanted to wear her clothes, it gave me hope that maybe my I'm not so far off afterall!

Minimalisim is wonderful, but it's not for me. I fear it never will be! Till my dying day, I'm going to be the old lady in the retirement home covered in bright colors, sequins, and lame. Maybe I'll find myself a nice lame rain bonnet or something, so that when I'm hobbling down the street in the rain with my walker, some aspiring fashion designer will get wind of it and decide to stage it's comeback!

I'm a very quiet person in "real" life, and I always have trouble starting/holding conversations and I for the love of all that is good and holy in this world have the biggest problem expressing myself through speech. So it kind of feels like I take the pent up wacky and weird personality that is inside of me and express it in "ugly", "tacky" clothes. Do other people do that? Am I alone here? Yes, no, maybe? At the end of the day, I guess I'll just have to get used to the questioning looks [afterall, there is no such thing as bad publicity...or so says Massie Block. Some should pry the Clique books out of my eager grasp and take them away from me until I finish up Les Miserables which EVERYONE should read], and deal with the fact that guys who prefer girls to keep it 'simple' are not worth my time. Up here in the jolly land of Crocs-n-Khakis that I live in I'll get looked at funny anyway. It's the short hair, you know. Attracts the crazies and undesirables like moths to a flame.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Not Until We Sing Kumbaya!

Yet again I have squandered away the last few days, in favor of doing more important things like...well...nothing except being lazy, really. A terrible thing happened and I had to RETURN Mommie Dearest before I got a chance to cap the whole thing, and every time I did try to cap it, it would freeze up any time I paused it. Sounds like Joan Crawford's ghost is bitter about me calling her a firecrotch.

ANYWAY, Joan Crawford aside, there is one woman who goes above and beyond a hero for me; beyond Kathy Griffin, beyond Saaphyri, beyond anyone who I have ever mentioned on this blog.

That woman would be Phyllis Neffler.



I have been meaning to write up about Troop Beverly Hills for about 10 posts now since it's practically the movie that gave me my first look at fashion back in the day when I was wearing leggings and over sized sweatshirts, and was the proud owner of the best scrunchie collection of all time[shut up, I was SEVEN]. Even though I continued on wearing said leggings and scrunchies, it must have left some imprint in my mind, because now this movie defines what I would like to be aesthetically speaking. It's got all the bases covered; amazing star-studded cast with my girls Tori Spelling and Kellie Martin[aka two of favorite lifetime movie actress ever] PLUS a young Jenny Lewis, outrageous clothes, and tongue-in-cheek humor. What more could you want from a movie? There are so many wonderful scenes in this movie, it was hard to pick and choose what to post. And so it begins!

Troop Beverly Hills: A Movie Dissected in Pictures



We open up on a scene at the Wilderness Girls' Headquarters, one which involves my favorite socialite/celebutante of all time-Tori Spelling. Tori Spelling was the original, less skanky Paris Hilton. Has Hilton ever produced a masterpiece like Death of A Cheerleader/A Friend to Die For? I don't think so!



How eighties are those sleeves? I already love this post so much it's sickening. This movie is a visual orgasm[totally stole that from that dude on ANTM Cycle 2] for those who are in love with hats like I am.



"*points*This one...and this one...out. I'll take the rest!"




My dream house, in my absolute favorite color no less! Oy, this fictional character is living my life.



Troop Beverly Hills: Influencing Future Shopaholics Everywhere Since 1989.



"I started a whole new meaningful life today, and I bought a whole new meaningful wardrobe to go with it!" I'm quoting that from memory, so it may be a little off.



Phyllis Neffler will NOT be moved!



JLew!!!! She was fabulous even back then.

Then we come to the first troop meeting where all the other girls are introduced. But first...



"Is the caviar too much?"

This is my favorite outfit in the entire movie. I sincerely wish people dressed like this on a day to day basis! I mean look at it-



As my beloved Ty Ty would say[with a little shake of the index finger], this outfit/dress contraption is fiiii-uhce! And Phyllis "makes it fashion", because as you can see she is totally smiling with her eyes right now.



I would like to take this time to note that there was a brilliant reference to Imelda/Ferdinand Marcos later on in the movie. All I have to say is that they know how to rock the Ray Bans.



It's Kellie Martin! Words cannot express the pure love I feel for this girl. In Beverly Hills she plays not a battered wife-gone-crazy OR a psychopathic yet heart wrenching Cheerleader killer, but the sad role of a girl whose father is a struggling actor, barely able to afford the $7.50 it costs to get patches.

Table 1:

1. In the back, we have Chica something or another, I'm too lazy to IMDB the name-this girl's parents are insensitive imbeciles. 2. Then of course there's our wonderful JLew! 3. Next we have Tiffany...or if that isn't her name it SHOULD be Tiffany-love her, she's the early form of a Cobrasnake-hipster only without the gross! 4. Then there is girl in the red shirt whose name I am completely unaware of, but I absolutely LOVED her in this. She has spunk and she dresses up as Tina Turner in order to sell cookies.

Table 2:

1.Girl in the very back is the dictators' daughter also rocking the Ray Bans. 2.Claire in the leopard print is the daughter of a trashy romance novelist who's BFFs with Phyllis, star of her own TV show, and just "wants to be a normal kid". 3. Kellie Martin! 4. And last but not least, money-grabbing redheaded girl in the denim whose name I forget AGAIN but she is owning that denim+pearl necklace combo and she drove a hard bargain, therefore I love her. Actually, I think her name might be Tiffany.



Uniform shopping! Plus, a cameo from the woman who plays Lana on Strong Medicine.



Troop Leader's Uniform Pre-Fab:will not miss.


Love what the girl in the glasses also known as Tiffany is wearing. Plus, Claire is wearing a hot pink harem-pants jumpsuit and do you SEE the face she is making at Phyllis' uniform?



"Oh my God, what is that?!"-Man in the Suit




Troop Leader's Uniform Post-Fab!




The beginning of the end. Do you think this is where I learned to overpack?



"Alright girls, are you ready to rough it!?"


Honestly, I was ready to give up here. Ready to say that I would maybe continue this in a Part II post. But no, I pushed through. I DIDN'T GIVE UP in the true spirit of Wilderness Girls.




If you must go camping, do it in style like so. I don't consider myself overtly-girly, but this looks a lot more appealing than sleeping on dirt.



Phyllis is verbally bitchslapped by one of the best on screen villians ever, Velda Plender, as Velda's sock puppet Annie looks on in admiration.

Claire models a backpack. Alas, it's no ordinary backpack...



If you simply lift the flap...



and pop the snap...



You've got a mobile closet! "Just because you're out in the woods, it's no excuse not to look your best!"



My first taste of true on screen espionage as a child came from watching Phyllis spy on her ex-husband and his new sleazy girlfriend. It was all fun and games until she lost her balance and fell out of the tree. Sigh.



This is Phyllis giving the girls a dance lesson in something adorable. This is also me too lazy to resize the picture to match the others.



This is the troop in their painfully 80s dance outfits. AA leggings, anyone?



This is an old man reaching for an issue of Penthouse. I think this speaks for itself.



This if proof that if you're wearing something sparkly, people will buy whatever you have to sell.



This is Phyllis in a Dynasty-fab outfit, with what appears to be a glittery dove on her shoulder.



This is Phyllis being unbelievably fabulous.



This is sock-puppet-Annie transformed into a beauitful metaphorical butterfly.



This is Cheech Marin.



This is Velda Plender saying "get your damn car out of my friendship ring!"



This is Dilemma saying that if you haven't seen this movie go out and RENT IT IMMEDIATELY because I could not jampack its perfection into this one post.

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