Monday, May 28, 2007

We Are The World Part Deux

Since some people aren't convinced that I really want to be a marine biologist in the future[you know who you are...and if you don't, you should go look at the comments section here], I feel obligated to prove myself in clothing/jewelry/good luck lobster form. There also seems to be a misconception that I'm geuninely losing sleep over Nick Carter and his association with the dolphins. I guess I'm going to have to start posting disclaimers now so that anonymous asshats realize that I'm only kidding? So sad. To go along with this post, you should listen to The Brunettes. Your Heart Dies and Whale in the Sand totally go hand in hand with the theme, yes? Your Heart Dies only applies because of this sole line from the song...

I could be as faithful as a seahorse
And if you were a marine biologist

They make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

This is a little plastic sea horse and shell necklace I bought eons ago at an aquarium in New Jersey. It's clearly too big to fit around my neck, so I wear it double banded around my wrist like a bracelet. Tell me, who doesn't somewhat love sea horses? Or the idea of sea horses. The males don't need anything like sympathy vests[you know, the ones that simulate being pregnant], because guess what? They males are the ones who have to have the babies[well...sort of]! I honestly find that hysterical; truly my favorite one of mother nature's gifts.

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This is my good luck lobster named Toby. He's affectionately named after my favorite character in the best movie ever. I found him for $5 at a yard sale a week or two ago, and for some reason I believe he's going to bring me luck. Even if he turns out not be a good luck lobster, I would have bought him anyway. Lobsters are adorable! In an odd way. Because you know, they kind of look like giant sea bugs. And we all know how I feel about bugs.

Anyway, I am in lust with everything over at, especially their jewelry. If you're not into my deliciously tacky sea-horse bracelet[or lobsters], there's always the option of buying this adorable clear plastic seahorse necklace for $18.

My favorite necklace there, Terror of the Deep, has sold out before I got a chance to purchase it. Damn. However, its baby is for sale for $23. A little much for a glorified Shrinky Dink that you could probably make yourself, but I guess if you're lazy like me[and you've never really mastered the art of Shrinky-Dinking] this would be the best choice.

Even though it mysteriously disappeared on the Berdorf's website[it was there two days ago, but I guess it sold out that quickly] I would love to own this Marc Jacobs shark dress. The only qualm I have is the color[oatmeal is not very flattering on anyone], but the inconspicuous shark on the front might make up for the strange color. My mom is being amazing and saying she'll buy me one expensive dress for my birthday, and I am beyond thrilled about this opportunity. If I can find this dress in black[if I can find this dress at all. I can't believe Bergdorf's did this to me. What a hoe.], I'll probably ask for it. But until then, I've logged hours of time pricing things on Net-A-Porter and will continue to do so just so I have plenty of back-ups.

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You Say We're Not [Internet] Celebrities...

Here is the result of the 'The mystery person(s) that I'm going to be writing a 'column' about may or may not be....' poll!
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Without further ado, I'll get right down to the post unveiling who I was really planning on writing about all along. Thanks to all you ladies and gentle-trannys[I'm looking at you Jaspeen! I'm seriously in love with that girl, no lie.] who took the time to vote! I am genuinely thrilled by the fact that 8 of you were realistic and voted for Blondie. But I have some stuff to say first; Originally, I was planning on Bob Bryar being the focal point of this column-ish thing[surprise, surprise!], but then I scrapped that idea on the lone fact that I'm positive a total of 1 person would care. Thus, I switched over to the people in this post. I wrote this last night[and have been writing it for like, a week], and posted it. After only 5 minutes, I yanked it off because it feels creepy talking about these people, you guys. So maybe it won't be a column. That word is way too official sounding for this tomfoolery.

The Cobra Crew For Dummies

Here's a little rundown of all the fascinating individuals I consider represent The Cobra Crew to its fullest. This is your chance to dive into hipster-dom without getting your hands dirty!

Mark 'The Cobrasnake' Hunter.
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The originator of all things Cobra Crew. 'Famous' party photographer. Is what I like to call a 'future secret internet perv'-the techinal term is 'future pedo'. Most likely has a beard fetish. There is nothing positive I can say about him, mostly because I enjoy making fun of him way too much [which I guess is a compliment in itself, because you have to be really special for me to want to rip on you]. On and off again relationship with everyone's favorite...

Cory Kennedy.
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Internet sensation. Bought 'hipster chic' style to the masses attention[by 'the masses' I mean every 14-17 year old girl with Internet access and a penchant for smelling like feet]. Wears adult diapers. Doesn't brush her hair, and likes it that way. Writes a monthly column in Nylon Mag where we follow her during her adventures to bargain outlets in the greater LA area. Probably the most controversial member of the Cobra Crew.**

Sarah Morrison.
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According to some uninformed bitch at the Fashion Spot, she's an old Cory Kennedy wannabe. Is one very smart cookie. Voted Cobra Crew member most likely to own a hairbrush. [Used to?] host parties for Cinespace. Has really unfortunate looking t-shirts. Makes Youtube videos that discuss only the most important topics. *

Steve Aoki.
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DJ. Will always be known as the lesser of the two Aoki's[Devon is a HOTTIE y'all!]. Has a line of clothes[DIM MAK] namely t-shirts and hoodies that for the most part I find very aesthetically pleasing. Is probably a little [see-a lot] too 'grown-up' for the Cobra Crew, but I feel the need to include him so that Mark won't be lonely and feel obligated to start pestering the girls.

Linsday Lohan.

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Firecrotch. Likes hanging out with CKL. Firecrotch. Uhm...was in that movie about JFK. Firecrotch. Was in Mean Girls. Firecrotch. Says 'God Bless', not even trying to be ironic[at least we can hope not because, that ruins the funny]. Firecrotch. Is really, really classy. ....Firecrotch. ***

Honorable Mention-
DJ Skeet Skeet-Is a DJ...named Skeet Skeet. That's all I know, hence, why Skeet Skeet is only an honorable mention.
Maggy Rogow-Is bfflz with Cory. Has really long hair that most likely holds the secrets of the scene. Will not miss.

*The Sarah Morrison Clause-I have an inexplicable amount of love for SarahMo. Nothing bad can be said about her, apart from the fact that I really do hate her t-shirts[because I do not want to be SarahMo when I grow up;I'm far too interested to see what I can do as myself. Also, she looks 85 years old in silk-screen form]. Although, I have a bad feeling that liking her will come back to bite me in the ass.
**The CKL Clause-I have only one thing to say about this; I do like CKL. So please refrain from getting your adult diapers in a twist, okay?
***The Lindsay Lohan Clause-Hugs not drugs, kiddies.

Most, if not all pictures courtesy of The Cobrasnake. Sarah picture taken directly from her myspace.


Saturday, May 26, 2007

We Are The World


Alright, I've decided to be all worldly for just one post and bring you guys up to date on some current events going on in the world! Because you know Dilemma Knows Fashion is totally eco-friendly and shit.

But before I start, I'd like to let you guys know that everyone's [and I do mean everyone's] favorite designer Marc Jacobs now has a myspace! He lists 'South Park' as one of his favorite shows. Now I understand the what the fuckery of those heinous denim maxi skirts. And speaking of Amy Winehouse, I finally figured out who that wacky kid reminds me of. The Count from Sesame Street! See?

Anywinehouse, onto the world event. This is dark, dark day for us future marine biologists of the world. As a proud FMB, I was alarmed when I was watching Best Week Ever, and they announced that Nick Carter[yes, the Back Street Boy Nick Carter] was to be the U.N. Special Ambassador of the Year of the Dolphin.

Picture from Celebitchy


I do not comprehend. Being a FMB, I would definitely have to classify this as 'disturbing news'. How is Nick Carter going to 'use his celebrity' raise awareness of the plight of the dolphins? HE HAS NO CELEBRITY ANYMORE. F U Carter, you used to date Paris Hilton. PARIS. HILTON. You should be the Special Ambassador of CRABS[you know, not the kind that dwell in the sea] not those sweet, innocent sea mammals. What did the dolphins ever do to deserve such abuse? Oh wait, didn't Aaron almost drown that one time? Are you using this as a platform to get back at the ocean and everything that inhabits it? Creezus, this is on a whole 'notha level[note to self-stop watching Charm School-it's rotting my brain]. Are the people at the U.N. on crack???

Whatever. Everyone knows crack is whack anyway. I mean it y'all, crack is whack.

PS:I think I had too much fun with this post.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Creepy little things are the cutest when done right[I still don't like gloomy bear-that's too messed up, even for me]. I love creepy things! Maybe it's all the Goosebumps and Are You Afraid of The Dark? I've been watching lately-wait, no, I've always been like this. I love it when creepy things can make you laugh. Blame Child's Play and Leprechaun, since those happen to be two of my favorite movies of all time[especially Leprechaun In the Hood-that movie is made of GOLD]. My fascination with horror movies[bad or otherwise] probably has something to do with why I'm so in love with these t-shirts by Elena Gallen. We have a totally normal, cutesy character like sweet little Bambi...

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...And she twists it into Two-Headed Bambi the circus freak! Let's just hope the scene kids don't get wind of this next!!!

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Scariest Disney villan of all time+tattoos=the best shirt ever. It's true, Ursula scared the shit out of me as a little kid. I was easily scared, ok? And admit it-Ursula a terrifyingly large woman! A giantess, if you will[think Rosie O'Donnell circa...well, now]. I'm between this and the Bambi shirt; they are both so incredibly me it's rather disgusting.

Also in the 'Freakshow' collection, we've got Snow White as the bearded lady[best idea ever!], and The Little Mermaid with three boobs[brings a new meaning to the term uni-boob, eh?]. You can also buy a coked out Kate Moss t-shirt, but come on. That's taking the EASY way out!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Rock to the Rhythm

Once upon a time, in land far, far away, there was a young girl who responded to a post written by Miss Couture concerning Naomi Campbell. There, she made a critical Halloween costuming decision.
"I think I just decided that I'm going to be Naomi next Halloween. I'll get all dressed up in expensive[meaning fake] furs and a really fabulous dress and throw plastic cell phones[probably bought from the dollar tree] at people." Guess who can't wait for next Halloween?

And people have the gall to ask me why I adore this woman. Five words[one conjunction]: do the Naomi shuffle y'all!

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

"Even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge!"

As promised, this is a mega-post dedicated to my one year Blogger anniversary! I thought that since my very first[kind of crappy] post was a nod to my love of making lists, it was only fitting that the one year anniversary post should be a series of fashion lists! Be lucky I decided to scrap my first idea of including a list of my 'favorite on screen deaths'.

Favorite Movies For Fashion
-Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Lynne Stone is one of my favorite on screen personalities, and she's really the only reason why I would call this movie fashion inspo. She wore outlandish outfit combinations[yes, that is a large plastic cricket on her hat], leggings, and rocked a reversible skirt; one side was shiny patent leather, the other side was her regulation Catholic school uniform skirt as transformed by velcro. "Velcro. Next to the walkman and tab, it is the coolest invention of the 20th century!" Yes, this movie is so eighties it hurts, but sometimes you need a good kicky eighties dance movie to watch to every now and then. It's good for the soul!

-Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Aside from the fact that I quote Romy and Michele way too much in every day life, I will cherish this movie for the rest of my days. Arguably, the dresses were way too short, the platforms were hellishly high, and ultimately the clothes in this movie were too unrealistic. I say; oh puh-lease, don't be such a bore! The fashion choices in this movie are nothing short of legendary. Sandy Frink wore light up sneakers to the reunion for God's sakes! Mona May, my good woman, you are a GENIUS.


Anyone who says this is 'not the movie for fashion' will be shot on [web]site. Every single person in this movie down to the boys[well...mainly just Christian] was impeccably dressed. Another Mona May styled movie that makes the list; this woman is full of PURE UNADULTERED GENUIS I tell you!

-Me Without You

Lots of berets, petticoats, and even some trash bag dresses[you know the kind I mean]! This is probably where Sienna Miller got her inspiration to wear that outfit with the black sweater and the support hose. Let it be known; ANNA FRIEL WORE IT FIRST. Sienna girl, you better be giving credit where credit is due, bitch.

My Favorite Models
Lara Stone

You know, gap teeth are really, really charming on girls. I think I may have a gap tooth fetish, kudos to Danielle from Cycle 6 of ANTM and Lara Stone here. Although she doesn't really do anything for me on the runway [fair walker, but she looks like she wants to hunt me down and force me to watch her eat my loved ones], I have to say her editorials never dissapoint. Someone compared her to Sasha Pivovarova once, and I would be hard pressed not to agree. She has the same commanding quality as Sasha, the one that makes you want to look at all her photos.

Diana Dondoe

We need more Diana Dondoes in the industry these days. Too many girls are foisted upon me looking frail, sickly, and way too childlike[I'm strongly against the use of baby prostitutues]. Examples? This girl's name is Piveta, but I will from now on refer to her as Samara. Then we've got our Johanna Stickland, who I may have accidentally called Johanna Sickland. Seriously, what's going on here? Is it cool to look like a dead 5 year old now? Where are the girls who look like they can kick some ass? This is where my beloved Diana comes in, and for that I'm grateful.

Iekeliene Stange

For some, her style may be dubbed 'too tacky' or 'too wild' or simple 'she looks like a mental patient on crack', but I could look at candid photos of her for hours. The girl has a real sense of style. All you Iekeliene nay-sayers are the same people who find Piveta riveting to look at. She's exceptionally versatile contrary to popular belief, and I think the fact that at the point of her 'discovery' she had dreads, it makes her even cooler than you already thought she was.

Tanya Dziahileva

I'll just come out and say it;I would go lesbian for her. SHE'S THE CUTEST MODEL EVER OK. See? I hold the fact that she often looks like Sissy Spacek in 'Carrie' near and dear to my heart.

Susan Eldridge

Yes, you may know her as Terry Richardson's ex, but she is so much more than that[besides, aside from being a great photographer Terry is hella skeevy]. Susan Eldridge makes me die a little in side every time I see her; she's got to be one of the prettiest girls in exsistance. She's got the right amount of innoncence[NOT SICKLAND-LIKE INNONCENCE], 'fashion' type sex appeal, and as Ty Ty would say, she can take hoe and 'make it fashion'. I love that no matter where I try to go, Ty Ty's words of wisdom follow me like a bad weave.

Doutzen Kroes

Doutzen will always be one of the best models in town. I think it's the lips. She's absolutely stunning in every way possible, and no one will ever be able to duplicate the Doutzen pout[save for possibly one of the Olsen's...but that's a different story]. Now that Gisele left VS, they should seriously consider giving up her spot to Doutzen. She represents everything that is Victoria's Secret, and they would have to be idiotic to miss that[maybe our fellow retired VS Angel Ty Ty can steer them in the right direction if need be]. I think she needs her own nickname; Heidi Klum was 'the Body', so Doutzen shall be 'the Doutzenator'.

Mariacarla Boscono

For all the jokes I made in her name, she has her shit together. Her presence on the runway is unparalleled with any model of today[slight hyperbole, but I don't care], and I'm still waiting for her to make an unexpected comeback somewhere soon. In short, Mariacarla Boscono is the epitome of all that is fierce.

Collections That Set My Heart Ablaze
Dolce and Gabbana Spring/Summer 2007 Ready To Wear

Say what you will about this collection[like how pieces are a blatant rip off of Gucci S/S 2001 RTW], but you can't deny that everything about it is INSANE. It houses what could be my favorite outfit ever, and that would be the one above. Yes, the armor-esque contraption that Stam dons bravely is my favorite, and I'm not ashamed to admit it [I'll probably write more about my love for it in the near future]!

Sonia Rykel Fall 2004 Ready To Wear

The adorable berets, the humorous eye/hand sweaters, the femininity of it all; this is the only collection not from 2007 that I had to include. It made me fall in love with Sonia Rykel!

3.1 Phillip Lim Fall 2007 Ready To Wear

Alright, take a good look at the entire collection, top hats and all. This what I would like my style to be in condensed form.

Oscar de la Renta 2007 Resort

Dresses that Scarlett O Hara would've been proud to own, the simplistic shifts; there's nothing flashy or deliciously tacky to be seen in this collection. But then again, I don't think I've ever seen armor or a sweater with eyes on the boobs in an Oscar de la Renta collection...I'm thinking that in his case, this is a good thing.

Versace Spring 2007 Ready To Wear

Donatella's appearance may strike fear into the hearts of fashion fans everywhere, but her work is to die for. Add this entire collection to the list of the things I would sell my soul to own.

Jeremy Scott Fall 2007 Ready To Wear

Watching this show in action makes the over the top beehive hairdos and jukebox dresses all the more exciting. And what sane person doesn't love Big Girls Don't Cry[that's not a weight related slur by the way]? I also fell in love with Behati Prinsloo as a result of watching this; homegirl undoubtedly stole the entire show.

-End Post because I'm tired, this took me forever and things kept malfunctioning, I don't feel like writing an end paragraph, and the spellchecker isn't working. I'm going to go watch Opera. You know, I've written through a lot of great times on this blog[totally stole that from the Golden Girls and twisted the words around]. I love you guys, by the way. No really, I'm being completely honest. I love you even if you like Sienna and/or Samara. Dilemma, out.-

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Buy A Vowel? Pah! I Laugh In The Face Of Your 'Vowels'

Yet another reason why celebrities should shut up and stop trying to go without stylists[unless you're one of those rare anomalies like Zooey Deschanel/Reese Witherspoon]. Go back to being Zoe-ified ladies; anything is better than this fashion slaughterhouse. Anyway, I figured I better do a clothing related post soon or else I would start getting those creepy death threats again. Right, I never received death threats exactly, but I did get yelled at by one hostile anon.

Everyone and their grandmother[unfortunately I mean that in literal terms] are getting in on the high waisted/wide legged trend. I have this pair of wide legged jeans from Urban Outfitters that were purchased way back in January[I blew all my Christmas money on them plus a pair of black suede boots] that fit like a dream, meaning they are HIGHLY recommended. If your heart is really set on bringing back the seventies, you could try these bell bottom jeans from Intermix. However, you're entering very risky territory when you start to try out the wide legged trend-you have to have the right shoes[I wore them with said black boots once and now that I think about it I must've looked like a complete tool], and the right cut for your body[I'm staring at YOU JSimp!]. Like, I'm not sure exactly what's wrong with JSimp's pants; maybe it's the fact that because they're so high waisted and they have no detail whatsoever, she looks like Gumby from the waist down. Poor JSimp, it's tough when Lindsay Lohan is photographed looking better than you do. Actually, I take that back. What is it with that whole Cobrasnake crew and adult diapers anyway? Is this Mark Hunter's doing?

As proven by Salvatore Ferragamo, high waisted shorts do not have to ride up so far into your cooter that you get diaper rash[LINDSAYCORYMARKETC]. These are the most endearing high waisted shorts I've ever seen; there is a way of wearing this trend and wearing it tastefully! Overall I'm still extremely wish-washy on this whole high waisted shorts thing because I will never be over the fact that:
a)they can sometimes appear unbelievably skanky looking
b)it is a proven factoid that the Cobra Crew uses them as adult diapers
c)knowing Peet Whence, he will probably start selling them in his new line of clothing anytime now, with a big picture of his face on the ass. Oooh, scratch that, maybe he'll put Ashlee on one cheek and a monkey on the other? So haute couture.

Fashion Slaugtherhouse Scan courtesy of Life and Style Magazine
Salvatore Ferragamo Spring 2007 RTW courtesy of-Runway Models
FAWB[no, not a typo] Video courtesy of-The lovely Timmy @ Hypnotic Romance

PS-May 15th is my one year blogging anniversary so I'm planning on writing a ridiculously long post to commemorate! And I'm unleashing something new to my blog shortly after, even if it has nothing to do with fashion. This new column-ish thing has everything to do with a mystery someone. You could vote in the poll on who it may or may not be.

EDIT:Even worse: P33t W3ntz in high waisted pants.
-Hypnotic Romance
I give you...
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They flatter him better than they flattered JSimp, no?

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Schatar Vs. Nene-Pick Your Sides!

Today I was planning on possibly having a Tales From the Crypt marathon, because who in their right mind does not enjoy the evil 'eh-hehehehehehe' cackle of the Crypt Keeper? But anyway I got sidetracked by re-watching[for the thousandth time] The most recent Flavor of Love Charm School episode, which got me to thinking about ANTM this week. Everyone was all up in arms over Nene, Jaslene, and Dionne 'shittalking' Nata. In all honesty, people need to chillax about that; they weren't even being that mean. In Nene, Jaslene, and Dionne's defense, I always thinks she looks like a clown in person-what a waste of a hot haircut. Overall I like her, but she can get annoying to watch. Actually everyone this season got annoying to watch at some point.

So my question is, do these people watch Charm School? I think they would be quite alarmed to learn that girls are in fact even meaner than Nene. Who would you put money on in a fight between Nene and Schatar? I think we all know the answer to that. Schatar would bat her eyelashes and outwit Nene so fast, Nene's head would literally smoke. It's coming down to the end of the cycle here, and I only have to say one thing now that Dionne has been eliminated. I hope Saaphyri wins. Sure, she's not even part of the ANTM crew, but I don't care. I decided that I am rooting for her to win everything: American Idol, ANTM, EVERYTHING. She works at a hair salon called Back 2 Da Napp. Anyone who works at a hair salon legitimately called 'Back 2 Da Napp' is has already won the battle...whatever the battle in question may be.

Hottie/Schatar IS a modern day reincarnation of the Crypt Keeper.
Complete with evil cackle, wicked ability to make me laugh, AND I believe they both have the same weave!

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Dress Sexy at My Funeral

RIP Isabella Blow
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Now that she's gone, who do I have to look up to? The Wintourosaurus? What a scary thought; allow me to let out a bloodcurdling scream of complete terror. I just watched 'Wait Until Dark', so I can channel my inner Audrey Hepburn-as-terrorized-blind-woman. Sweet.


Thursday, May 03, 2007

The Girl's A Superfreak

[Click To Enlarge]

Refresh my memory-when did Cory Kennedy become a style icon?

Love the girl to death[...most of the time], but this is LUNACY.

Please Cory, come back to us. Preferably not clad in adult diapers. Don't you miss the glory days? I know I do. Back then at least I could say you were some sort of inspiration and defend you to all the people who said you're a good for nothing in need of a shower.

It might also help if you backed away from Nylon. If Nylon was smart[which obviously they're not] they would hire someone like Isabel to write a column and appear on Nylon TV. [Although I think that Isabel or anyone like her is probably too good to want to sell their soul to the devil like that.] As much as I enjoyed reading your riveting piece on how to find a super-snazzy outfit at K-Mart for $30, I couldn't help but notice your lack of...well...writing talent. Not saying I could do any better[maybe if I really applied myself], so don't make Mark eat me PLEASE!

I usually loathe when people say this, but creezus;PUT SOME PANTS ON GIRL.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Ladies and Gentleman:Roy Orbison

Even people who have no interest in fashion whatsoever can agree that sunglasses are essential. The really awesome thing about them is they are never season inappropriate like cashmere sweaters[you'd roast in the summertime] or sandals[unless you enjoy frostbitten toes]. They always bring about the best memories and references too!

This is my absolute favorite pair of sunglasses in the entire universe as of now. You can kind of see them in my little default picture up in the right hand corner. The shape is kind of like the Rayban Wayfarer that everyone-including yours truly-is currently having a sunglass-orgasm over. [You'd have to be as optically challenged as Stevie Wonder to not notice their recent comeback.] I'm currently having a love affair with neon pink, demonstrated by these sunglasses and the neon pink headband I bought at Wet Seal Friday. Let's just hope yellow doesn't find out, because it might become envious.

I've actually never watched Lolita or read the novel, but I think most people know that the box of Stanley Kubrick's version came in feature 'Lolita' in red heart sunglasses. So maybe it's my very own inner Lolita that loves these, but damn-if it is, she has excellent taste.

This$10 Girlprops pair has been patiently sitting in my Favorites for well over two years, but I never decided to move on them. Bad judgement on my part, since just around the time that I noticed these, I put a bid out on these Dior sunnies on Ebay that cost $60. When I received them they didn't fit my head, and they weren't even authentic[I was a first time buyer, mind you]! The little 'Dior' nameplate fell off after a few wears. It was so lame, but live and learn I suppose.

These are just too groovy for words. Unfortunately, I don't have any little sorted anecdote about my life to go along with these, so I'll just leave it at this:I WANT THESE IN THE WORST WAY IMAGINABLE. Available at 80s Purple for $15.

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